Loads of updates, feelings and thoughts


Posted by Hausam

I haven’t updated in awhile. Have been terribly busy with my musical rehearsals etc. Went for a flu jab, and I fell sick after that. Resulted in a bout of sickness on and off, but God has been very gracious with me.

Flying off in two days time. Alot of apprehension. I don’t know what to expect. What if I cannot adapt? It’s all in the good hands of the Lord. Easy said?

NIE refused to let me take leave for driving. I was quite pissed off with the lady, but thankfully I managed to change my driving test date to end Sep (means pay for PDL again) so I am feeling slightly better.

 


Went photo-taking


Posted by Hausam

Went photo-taking yesterday night with Jase and Joy. Quite fun, but I think Singapore’s deco this year is quite bad.

Spending more time with someone lately, since the decision to go over to the youths. Which is another long story by itself, which I will type when I’m more in that mood. I still have alot of apprehensions though (why do I keep using that word). Like communications for example, I feel that he is generally a person who doesn’t communicate alot, especially when we’re in a big group. I don’t know if it’s cos he has no opinion, doesn’t want to say or what? But if this happens later on, it will pose lots of problems. Also I don’t know, sometimes I feel attracted, sometimes I don’t. Hopefully time will tell eh?

Feeling sleepy and groggy again. Maybe it’s time for another nap.


Humbled… face the wall!


Posted by Hausam

A myriad of things happened today. I don’t even know where to start. I just know that right now, my brain is like a whirlpool of thoughts. I’m trying to sort them out. Perhaps typing these will help. Let’s start from the top.

JT’s bday is today. I smsed him at midnight. He replied but I was sleeping. Anyhow it resulted in a sms conversation this morning and nope, he did not remember my bday. I told him abt Chijmes. He said he’d pop by maybe but no promises. I know better about his no promises. Even when there’s a promise there’d probably be a no show anyway. He’s participating in some band competition. Tertiary. Wants my expertise. Kidding I guess. More a polite request than anything. Ask me to go down and support in Jan. Oh well… maybe. I wonder if he really wants me to be there. Or he’s being nice. Inviting me as a friend. Probably the latter. I just typed that I made a decision yesterday. Just a couple of sms is enough to throw me off the ball. Gosh. I’m so determined ain’t I? He’s happy in his current state of life. Why can’t I be the same? Why mope?

 


In my own dreamland


Posted by Hausam

Youth camp. It rained. We set up the field for nothing. But it’s ok. Not too bad. I don’t know how I feel towards the other. I hope it’s not a rebound but I can never be sure. I know for sure, if u put two before me and ask me to pick, at this stage, I’d say I don’t know. I’m THAT confused.

Recording. I guess I have been rather proud. I always thought I had a good voice. Until I heard my own recording of my own songs at home. Then I felt… hmm, ok fine, I have a unique voice. Today, I was told to face the wall when singing, so the mike doesn’t get a direct recording. Reason? My voice was too strong, too non-airy, too heavy. Instead, an airy, non-trained voice is good. Oh wow. But I understand. They said we’re just chorus singers, we cannot overpower. It ain’t my voice that my voice is “powerful”. I cannot do anything about it. Sing lighter maybe? I’ll try. But the feeling wasn’t good. To try to act cheerful. To act like it didn’t hurt. Even now, still acting. I’m a trained actor.

I need some answers. In my own dreamworld just now, I dreamt of a scenario I wished would happen. A scene whereby he would explain all I needed to know. Where he would tell me I haven’t been alone all these while. But in my dream, I couldn’t figure out my response to him. It’s telling ain’t it? Anyway, he’s flying off on Monday. So why am I dreaming?


Half-minded decision made


Posted by Hausam

I think I prefer the bolder font. It looks neater.

Anyhows, the accounts of the chijmes christmas market is driving me nuts. I can’t seem to figure out how to do the pricing. And I am still rushing stock. And I don’t know just how much stock I need/don’t need. This is nuttiness. I wonder how Char is coping.

I was a goon today. Went to driving centre when my driving class is tomorrow. I wonder what’s going on with my little brain. Too much stress? Maybe. Anyway, I made a wasted trip to the bank as well. The word goon is a good description.

 


What’s going on with my little brain


Posted by Hausam

Went to church for meeting. Hopefully tomorrow’s weather is good, then we will all have some fun. I did wish I had the chance to do more saboing though. I was just thinking, I think sometimes, I have the tendency to act “not like myself”. Like I pretend to be someone I’m not. To be humourous (even though I usually succeed), or just plain crappy. I wonder why. Defence mechanism? Or just trying to fit in to the crowd.

I haven’t been talking to JS lately. Maybe it’s for the good of both of us. He apparently is not willing to give up on some of his stuff, and I’m not willing to compromise. I cannot fully let go of the past. So it’s no point pursuing a friendship, knowing that is not what he seeks. And I can feel that my emotions are starting to get mixed up. Need to pull away. This is going to be hard. Sometimes I think it’d be better if he never appeared.

Mentally I made a decision. Even though tomorrow is someone else’s birthday. But we will see where that decision brings me to. Afterall, I know I’m not going to do anything about it.

Moroseness.


It’s ok to be imperfect?


Posted by Hausam

That’s what the book says. The book that I’m reading. Some self-help book that my mentor bought for me. It’s a good book I must say, though heavy going. The first chapter already made me cry loads when I was sharing with her some of my misery.

Just yesterday I told her I was coping well since the prayer session last Saturday. Only today I was just struggling again. I almost fell. In fact, to be honest, I think I did. Since last Thursday I think. An improvement, yes, but no excuse. I think it’s harder than I think it is. No hint of anything happening and then wham. I need to rely on His strength.

I managed to find my jewelry stands today. Finally. After such a long while. Should have heeded my friend’s advice earlier, and saved myself a great deal of time. Stubbornness.

I am beginning to think I’m in need of human support to go through all these trials. A human support. Does that sound familiar?


Post 22 birthday thoughts


Posted by Hausam

The next day I went out with Char and gang. We wanted to go Harry’s but the music wasn’t that cool that night. So in the end we went to this ming ge restaurant, when BH saboed me by dedicating a bday song to me. I saboed him back by saying I wanted him to sing. Hahahaha… so fun.

I haven’t been feeling very old lately, but my mom is getting on my nerves, with her talk of.. “can you go find someone?“ Hello, it’s not my fault right? It’s not that I’m not doing it, but no suitable one is around yet? Or the suitable ones do not make a move? She nags and nags. She says that’s the only thing on her heart and I should do it so she can feel a sense of freedom. Oh, so it’s my fault now?!

I wanted to get a fish tank. her answer? Wait till you’re married. What logic?! Told you she’s driving me nuts. I should start saving up for a house.


My 22nd birthday


Posted by Hausam

My 22nd birthday. Flew away with the wind. I’m now officially 22. I am still trying to accept the fact that I’m no longer a 21 year old girl, flying with her wings. This princess has matured. Oh well.

Honestly, one of my little “irritations” is that I’m still very single and available. I always thought that by 22 I would have someone stable but I guess good things come later? I hope.

I had breakfast with JL. At Tiong bahru market. My pressie was chwee kueh and dao huay. Haha. Not complaining la. Considering he was just off work and came down to have breakfast with me, then see fish and he cabbed home to zzzz the rest of the day away.

Went with LTJ to get his phoneline done, bought a jacket (from him, PW and Q). Then went church for musical. Those peeps were really sweet, they bought me a nice blueberry cake. What’s up with blueberry nowadays. Oh well. Haha.


Someone forgot my bday


Posted by Hausam

Someone forgot my bday, well alot of pple did, which is ok, but someone did, which is not that ok. But didn’t I guess he would anyway? Exams can be a valid excuse but having a bday so close to mine? Oh well…. The sign fell through. His gd friend was still promoting him yesterday night. Saying that he always thought we had a liking for each other. Oh yeah.. that’s sooo real ain’t it? I’m just being sulky I guess. Shouldn’t I have known by now who cares more? Even JS remembered. Sheesh. I’m just being a loser over here.

But funnily, Y was promoting someone else today.. someone who never crossed my mind. Was comparing JL and him. Saying that the other guy is like Bailey’s and JL is like cranberry wine. Haha. Says he is too cheesy, needs time to find himself. That I either wait for him to grow up more, or go for the Bailey’s. The scary thing is.. it sounds like what May told me that time when I went with JS. Deja Vu.

I’m sleeping. May tomorrow be better. I’m 22.


I still love him


Posted by Hausam

I hate to say I need him. I hate to admit that I miss him though I just saw him. I hate to admit that it was pride that I didn’t tell him I was in school today, yet craving to see him. I’m not balanced. I’m not right. I need to get out of feeling this way, cos I simply cannot take it anymore. And there is no one who understands how I feel. And I am sick and tired of telling anyone. Cos they just tell me to wait. WAIT! I know to wait. I’ve been at it for ONE YEAR!!! Granted that we’ve only known each other for slightly more than one year, but the connection was as if we knew each other for so long. Even he said so.. knowing u for so long. So long?! Argh. Lord help. I know you can do something about this. Please take me out of this misery. I am almost at the brink of just asking u to kill off the feelings I have for him. I feel like just taking him out of my life. Forever. But can I bring myself to do it? I can’t!!!! Cos maybe, maybe even though I refuse to admit it, I do love him.


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Posted by Hausam

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